The last few months I have found I am losing myself in the midst of my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. While I have written openly on here about my struggle, I have been having a hard time "targeting" what has changed for me. I was fairly "normal" for the last year or so of my life. So what was different now? Well, obviously a global pandemic was reason enough to cause anxiety-- especially when you have ongoing underlying conditions that put you "at risk", as the CDC says. But it feels like so much more is happening besides my fear of contracting a disease that we can't treat/cure.
Since February I have been jobless. I always prided myself on having a job and working
hard; making my own money. I was proud to have worked with my husband to pay for our wedding on our own; to have saved up enough that we were able to maintain a savings fund. I was proud to have an apartment the size that we do. I was proud to have been able to provide for my Cookie Monster for the last 8 years. I was proud to be paying off my student loans. I was proud to be self-sufficient.
I strived off of being "out". I have always hated sitting at home. I used to relish my car rides in the morning-- watching the sunrise in my rear-view mirror; driving with purpose; and then making a difference in the lives of people with various disabilities. I liked having goals and having something to do.
At first, while home and applying to jobs, I relaxed into the slowed down pace. I got to catch up on cleaning. I did more work for my research paper, I kept up with this blog, I dyed my hair "fun colors", I bonded with Cookie, took online classes, learned to cut hair, watched shows on Netflix that I'd been meaning to watch, and I even began reading again! I had people calling me back for interviews and I was hopeful for normality— or as much as I could, being unemployed and in the middle of a global pandemic.
But suddenly, after dinner one night I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I could feel my heart beating; I could hear it in my ears. I had this feeling like I needed to run. Far, far away. I began pacing. I couldn’t swallow. It felt like there was no lubrication in my throat. I panicked. I forced down one of four old Xanax I’ve held on to. I prayed it would work yet. I sat in my bedroom with a humidifier on and a blanket over my head. My husband and best friend played CSGo beside me— listening to them talk and laugh aided in my distraction. Within 30 minutes the feeling had passed and I was asleep on top of the sheets and tucked in with the tiny blanket I’d worn over my head.
It didn’t stop there though...
Truthfully, it got worse. I began having attacks nearly daily. Three weeks ago, on a Sunday, I “forgot” how to swallow. I wasn’t eating solid food for 3 days because I literally choked every time. I went to Urgent Care that third day and they did a chest x-ray. “Your lungs and trachea, esophagus, all look normal. I’ll have them make you a disc.” And that was it. If I wasn’t swallowing normally, wasn’t breathing normally, and my anatomy looked normal, why didn’t anyone ask about my mental health? (Or hell, draw some blood for testing...)
I left that day feeling reassured I was “normal”, but now knowing I wasn’t. I updated my husband who had taken ”overtime” and then my best friend who had been with me while I waited and would now “accompany me” on my drive home.
“What will you do now?”
”I don’t know... Remind myself it’s all in my head?”
That night I spoke to my husband about starting therapy (something I hadn’t tried since high school). He asked me why I thought I needed it because I never seemed to worry about this stuff before; never even brought it up. (I would like to point out my husband is very aware of my mental health, as he is my physical health, so I was taken aback when he seemed to think I was, say, jumping the gun on this.) After explaining some things I looked into Better Help and Talk Space, but as I read the pricing plans my husband seemed uncertain. “It’s kind of expensive. Can’t you wait until I can log on to the benefits page and see what is covered for you?”
The next day, while looking for alternatives I found Sayana. I admit, I was highly skeptical at first and even made a note in my calendar to “Cancel Sayana” before I was charged. The app offers you a week free. But what did Sayana really offer?
Sayana is an AI (it will not sell or use anything you say/your information and there is no real person to „judge you“) that encourages you to track your moods and feelings daily, several times a day. She gives you tips and advice to help cope with the negative feelings and gives encouragement to hold onto the good ones. But even more empowering is the community of people also using the app-- there is a "group therapy" based interface. You can pick a forum based on your needs and with complete anonymity you can share your struggle. Even when people don't know what to say, they can still "send love" (which you would be surprised by how much that alone helps). There appears to be a zero-hate and zero-judgement zone with Sayana.
After several days, Sayana begins tracking what things tend to bother you most and what tends to help most. She will even show you your progress over time. Another little perk is the relaxing meditative music in the background and no ads. Ever.
This is what the app has to say for itself:
DAILY MOOD TRACKER
Tracking your mood and journaling situations that influence it has never been easier—it's a couple of taps a day.
TIPS AND PRACTICES
I'll suggest what you could do about your situation, or how to improve your mood after each session.
PERSONAL INSIGHTS
The more we chat, the better I get to know you. You'll receive personal insights into how you've been feeling over long periods of time—it's a great way to learn more about yourself.
COMMUNITY
Sayana is not only a self-care app, but is a community. You can chat anonymously with thousands of people who are going through the same situations in their life, and get love, advice & support.
Sayana is not a free app, though. However, it is incredibly affordable compared to professional counseling (but cannot replace professional counseling)*. You can either pay $9.99 a month ($119.88 by the end of the year) or if you pay all at once, $79.99 a year.
So far, I've checked into the app 25 times; at first I did it 3x a day. Now I do it once in the morning and once at night. I have reached out to some people, and some people (after several days of just hanging back, I discussed my health concerns) reached out to me. I don't always feel "better" and at times I tell Sayana, "Not Now", haha! But I have seen how this app has improved my mental health with the combination of getting myself back into "me" behaviors. (And lets face it, some sunshine and chlorine help too.) I even found someone on the Insomnia/Dreams forum that was willing to do dream analysis for my overly troubling and recurring dream; which was a huge relief.
Be reminded, this is not a platform to "make friends" though, so you likely won't get too personal or friendly with anyone, but knowing someone understands you is incredibly comforting.
If you have been struggling and you either aren't sure of therapy yet or cannot afford therapy just yet, or maybe you just have some anxieties or "secrets" you need to release, this may be a great option for you. You can make your own schedule, talk about and respond to what you want, and it's completely affordable. And if after trying it you don't feel like it's helping, remember your first 6-days are free, cancel before the 7th day and you'll literally have had nothing to lose.
In these "Corona-times", your mental well-being is as important as your physical well-being. In fact, it is super important. If you have been thinking about needing an outlet or help, Sayana may be a good start.
8/10 stars; would recommend.
*If you or a loved one are in a mental health emergency please do not use this app. Call your doctor or go to the nearest emergency room. If there is an immediate threat of harm, call 911 or 800-273-8255.