Come Monday, I will have been laid off of work twice in only 2.5 years. I thought by the time I turned 30, my life would feel pretty steady-- things would be set in stone. But here I am... Halfway through thirty, about to be jobless again, and having no idea where I am supposed to go from here. I don't know what I would even want at this point.
I'm getting too old to keep picking up broken pieces and restarting, aren't I?
Do you know what the best part of both of these experiences was? Realizing how strong I was the moment it happened.
When I was laid-off as a Vocational Counselor, I came into work for 8:30, as I always did. I sat at my desk and began some work, and within the hour I lost access to my e-mail. I found it strange and called the IT department and when their line just kept ringing, I called my boss. She told me her internet and e-mail were fine and to give it a few minutes and call IT again. I began doing some filing to fill the time. Before I knew it, it was 10AM and the director of human resources was at my door.
"Do you have a few minutes?"
I thought nothing of it as she and I were friendly and I knew she was working with several clients regarding a disciplinary action. I thought we were going to discuss that. But as we got down the stairs, she lead me into the Executive Director's conference room. Still, my first thought was that they had "serious information" and he had to step in. Of course, that changed the minute he slid a large envelope over to me and said, "I want you to know you did nothing wrong and I don't want to have to do this, but as you may have noticed we have lost a huge contractor..."
I was told to pack up my office of nearly two years and leave immediately... All I could do was nod and ask if they had boxes. Before noon, I was out the door and headed home to figure out how to apply for unemployment for the first time.
When I was laid-off as a Disability Specialist and Academic Coach for the largest state college of New Jersey, I found out on my own (the Friday before the Monday I would be let go). I was on a grant-funded contract from August 2021- August 2022, and up until Friday I was under the impression the contract would be renewed. However, I spent the last week and a half remote with CoVid, and I hadn't heard anything about needing to sign-off on a new contract or anything of the likes. So, I reached out to HR, almost joking like, "Hey, please tell me I come back Tuesday, haha!"
The joke was on me.
"Thank you for reaching out, your current appointment ends this Monday 8/1. That will be your last day with the department. You should return your technology, keys..."
What the f̶u̶c̶k̶?
When was someone going to tell me?
How is it a job expects a 2-weeks notice from you, as loyalty and security to post your position, wrap up loose-ends, and possibly train the next employee, but when they lose a contract they don't have to tell you anything until the day they decide to let you go?
What about loose-ends I need to wrap up? What about my security?
Both mental and financial?
Like I said... I've been laid off twice in 2.5 years now. Monday morning I will go into work for 8AM, and I will do my job. I will hand in my laptop and charger, work phone, tablet, and rocket book; my key and my ID. I will clock out and make the 45-minute drive home. I will again sit down and try to figure out unemployment. I will try to figure out what comes next...
In these two years I have been fortunate enough (depending on how you look at it) to publish two books of poetry that chronicled 10+ years of my life; my struggles and uncertainties; words I have wished someone would have said to me. Maybe this is an opportunity to continue to write-- maybe inspire or encourage others. I know you don't get paid for those last two, but... Maybe this is a gift. No matter how lousy the delivery. Maybe this is an opportunity to find myself.
The first time I was laid-off it was just before the world collapsed in a pandemic, but this time... It's August-- the end of summer is around the corner and the new beginnings of Autumn are being carried on the tail-ends of the winds. I am vaccinated (and doubled on antibodies, now). My husband has a night shift, leaving the days open for us to reconnect and do things.
Maybe this end is just a beginning...
And maybe it's okay not to know where to go just yet.
Maybe it's okay to still be learning at 30...
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