Being a sister is not always all it's cracked up to be. I'm learning that the hard way now that I've moved out of my parents' house. When I lived with my sister it was mini-arguments where we made up in an hour and endless days feeling like a slumber party with my best friend; it was fun and games. Now that we don't get to spend as much time together we spend more time really talking and with that comes a lot of heavy topics.
Back in 2018, three people I knew (well, one I knew of) were diagnosed with the Big 'C'-- cancer. This was such a shock for me that one of my first posts was about that seriousness of it. By mid-2019, one of those three people had passed away. The youngest person inflicted. She was only 28 years old; how old I am fortunate enough to be now. The other two individuals are still going through chemotherapy to make it through to tomorrow. Life is forever changed for them and their families.
In 2020, there came a new Big 'C'-- CoVid-19. With all that went wrong for me in 2020, I figured this new "C" in the world would be the worst "C" anyone in my family would hopefully never have to experience. But on August 5th, my younger sister sent me a text message no one could've saw coming:
So, Angie went to the doctor today because last week she felt a lump in her breast. ...
Just over a week later, my sister called me in tears... Angie, her best friend (wife and mother of three, who lives 14 hours away) had been diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Yesterday, Angie went in to have a lump removed from her left breast; after healing she would start radiation and then chemotherapy. I was preparing a "sending you positive vibes" card for Angie when my sister text me today. Angie had let her know pathology at the hospital determined the cancer had spread and they needed to removed more of her breast tissue.
I thought she was gonna her (sic) better now ...
That is what we all thought...
How was I going to make her feel better?
This is not a reboot of "Getting a 'C' in Life", though. This is about being a sister. A big sister.
My sister and I were always fortunate enough to be very close. We shared a room until I moved out. We had game nights and movies nights. We had a list of over 100 inside jokes. But... We never really talked. With the space between us now it has allowed us to talk more often, more freely, and deeper. We've opened up about our depression, our anxiety, our fears and our jobs (well, my lack of job now). It also has allowed me into the toughest part of her life right now. Her best friend, at long distance, has stage 3 cancer and my little sister is completely devastated.
The movies don't show you this part of "sisterhood". They show you petty fights and slammed doors. Boy drama. Makeup and shopping. Sharing clothes and eating junk food. Wallowing in PMS-pity. It's all laughter and road trips, gossip and snacking. It gives you "being your Maid of Honor" vibes and "best friend" vibes. It's all happiness. And while I admit, she is the bestest best of my best friends and sisterhood is so much happiness and laughter, I also admit that that's not all it is.
The movies don't ever show you the side of sisterhood that makes you cry yourself to sleep with worry; that makes you call your own best friend and beg them to stop smoking because you can't bare to think about how you'd handle their diagnosis. Hallmark, Lifetime, HBO... They won't show you what it's like to wake up at 8:00AM to make homemade strawberry "lemonoosh" to bring to your sister at 10:00AM because she's afraid of her future. They don't show you baking your last 5 "chickie-nuggies" and making homemade lemon iced-tea to cheer up your sister who's best friend just got a life-threatening/life-altering diagnosis. They don't show you battling your internal conflict over your own health when she asks you if you could drive her 14 hours away so she can take care of her friend when she starts chemotherapy. They don't show you crying into your pancake batter because you're afraid for your sister's mental health. They don't show the fights you have with your husband because he just doesn't understand why you're so emotional when it isn't you.
Being a sister can be hard enough.
Being a "big" sister (I'm older, but I'm the smaller sister) can be even harder. Trying to fill in where mom can't, being protector and crazy friend simultaneously, being a role-model, having good stories and virtues, being a coach and mentor, just being a damn sister! It's a tough role. It gets tougher when you aren't always at your best mentally (or physically), and when you typically walked in your younger sister's shadow. She was always the smarter, funnier, better-off one.
But now I need to step out from behind her to walk beside her-- to comfort her and find the "right words" while she worries about her best friend. It hasn't been and easy month. It's not going to get much easier. But it's been rewarding.
Being a sister is one of the best things that could happen to a girl-- you have a live-in best friend. But when you're apart, you become even closer. I know I'm not Angie, and as siblings we will always have a different type of friendship than we do with our "friends:, but it's a comfort at the end of the day knowing we have each other. It gives me purpose to wake up knowing I'm her shoulder and rock through this right now (even if I'm not sure of what I'm doing or if I'm even helping).
I've learned over the years, and especially this one, that being a big sister is a lot of things. But what it is mostly is unconditional love; one you wouldn't understand unless you've lived it.
To My Lil One,
I don't say it often enough, but I love you. And I promise to never be too far away from you that we cannot get to each other within 10 minutes. You are my right hand, my left brain, my favorite comedian and singer, the Ted to my Bill, and my best friend. My home and my arms are always open to you. No matter what, no matter when, no matter why... Remember, I'm here. Always. We will get through this together.
-Me♥
P.S. I'm rooting for Angie with you, and her boy Leo is the real MVP for not eating her flowers like our boys would.