I have wanted to write again for quite some time, but my health has been making that very difficult. I begin to write and I think about everything that has been bothering me-- most of which I can't even understand or explain. Within the last 30-days I have gone to Urgent Care twice and tried calling my GP about coming in twice. I never got a call back from his office. Urgent Care claims it's just symptoms of asthma and chronic bronchitis (the second time they at least did an x-ray and there was nothing "atypical"). But I can't breathe. I constantly feel like I'm suffocating. Chewing feels impossible because I don't have the oxygen to do so. Swallowing feels foreign. I think my throat is quitting on me. I should've gotten that MRI before CoVid. If I just had the MS confirmed, I could've been on medication...
I don't admit openly, ever, that I am frightened. In fact, I typically look fear in the face and laugh before tackling it. I hate letting fear paralyze me. And yet, here I am, an anxious mess, paralyzed be fear of something I don't even understand. What is causing my symptoms? And if the two doctors I saw don't think it's anything physical, isn't it mental then? So, how do I make it just stop? How do I go back to "normal"?
But you didn't click on this post because you wanted to know how my health was, so let me explain...
I have nothing worth talking about... I could post my entire life story and pour my heart out on this page and no one but myself and maybe 1-2 people would ever read it. No one cares; no one reads this. That's okay. I didn't expect anyone to care or read it. This was for me. To get out thoughts. I know that I was never the person people gravitate to; not popular, not unique, didn't, well... I still don't have anything to offer. So without other people jumping aboard, the ship has no direction.
A few months ago, when my health was better, I considered adding blog posts about food... Now, I don't have the energy to write those or even the desire to look at food (the extent of my meals are yogurt, water, coffee, and Boost)...
Anything I could or would post about randomly is either nonsense to others or information that they are completely inundated with anyway. Who needs yet another corona-virus post, or another "I'm so anxious" post. And lets face it... No one, including me, cares what the white woman has to say about #blacklivesmatter, because it's the black woman who matters. Who knows. Who deserves the attention. My thoughts, while supportive, do little without an entire movement and I should not be the person at the podium.
A month ago I heard the song "Love Myself" from the motion picture The High Note and I have to say I haven't connected this much to a song in so long...
It's hard to pay attention when my minds lost Only wish there was a way to turn my mind off Now the only way to sleep is with the lights on Making me lonely, making me crazy
But is it fake love if I'm lying to myself Trying to fake the way I feel? Am I stranger if I don't recognize myself Trying to fix up something real? I don't really care I don't wanna keep my head down Got nothing to share Maybe I should put my phone down I don't really care if everybody likes me I just wanna love myself Love myself My head is spinning, the ground breaks And I can't pay attention when my hands shake When love is gone, when every day is a bad day Just need myself to tell me that its okay
I have to admit after the eight or ninth time I played it, I decided that maybe I also should put my phone down. I have distanced myself from my social media a lot lately, and I'm ignoring the news to the best of my ability right now. I have nothing to share. I have nothing to say. I need some time to focus on me and why I feel like this-- what is wrong with me; whether that's physical or mental.
Maybe forcing myself to find something to share is the wrong thing to do... Or maybe that will turn into my healing. But right now... I'm stepping away from the wheel. I admit, I should not be in control right now.
If you have been following/reading then I apologize. I will hopefully be back, soon. If you have anything to add or talk about, please... This is the time for you to share. I will take some time now for me.