Dear Journal,
Today‘s my birthday. I never cared too much for my own birthday (even if I made holidays out of my loved ones’). I don't remember when I stopped caring exactly. I do remember the “why”, though.
I used to tell people I couldn't see myself living past 28 years old. Not that I didn't try. Not that it was “too hard”. Not that I “didn't live for the future”. Not that I hated what I thought I’d look like with grey hair.
I remember the first adult I ever told this to and how it got me sent to the high school guidance counselor and then the school psychologist...
I never thought I'd live this long. Or! Maybe I'd get to 28 and then not see 29? I don't know, I just know I thought my life would be over by the time I was 28. Not because I was diagnosed with some rare disease or childhood cancer. Because I hated myself, and I hated myself so deeply and strongly that I was certain I would destroy myself. Even as near as two years ago, I still had my doubts about making it to 28.
Last year I turned 27 and I finally decided to tell my fiancé about my childhood prediction. He was shocked. He was saddened. He held me and told me I had so much to live for. It wasn’t my intention to upset him, but to open up to him about my history with depression. To try to cheer him up (the only way I know how— dark humor 🤷🏼♀️) I told him I wasn’t nearly talented enough for the “27 Club”. He didn’t laugh immediately (I guess I don't blame).
Today, I am 28.
I'm apparently overweight, seeing a cardiologist and neurologist, I'm jobless and finding a <2% success rate with applying for jobs, my skin still looks like a high schooler’s, and I hardly sleep anymore. Adolescent me would be ready to hang myself— quite possibly literally.
Today, I am 28.
I woke up with a killer migraine, but I woke up in an apartment that is huge, that me and my husband put together. I woke up to a crazy little rabbit who I successfully raised beyond her life expectancy, and all of my plants are still alive. My mind and body still work, albeit a bit slower. I have 2 amazing families who support me, 2 amazing friends since grade school (and who can say that at my age), and if all goes to plan I'll finally see my long distance friend again this year. I still have money in my savings account to hold me over, and I'm still hopeful, somehow, that I'll land a good job.
Today, I am 28.
This may not be a big deal to most, but it is monumental to me. It’s an accomplishment. I made it! And best of all... I'm looking forward to 29.
Always,
ME💛