Hobbies. Dreams. Goals. Careers.
I'm very obsessive. I get absorbed in little things (and big things) so easily when I find passion in them. I will be the first to admit I tend to go a bit crazy. I'm also very indecisive and I have an extreme gamophobia. I can't commit to anything fully or if I do, it likely won't be for very long. I also hate to sit still or just "sit on my ass" doing "nothing". Keeping busy is a necessity for me. I have 0-chill factor.
When I was first laid-off on February 4th, I took no time to grieve the loss. I applied to a whopping 68 places in two weeks. With several call backs, I thought, "I'll be working again in no time." Boy was I wrong...
I got a call to start on-boarding for a job I would deal with just for the opportunity to step through the Jersey City Medical Center doors. I have dreamed all my life to work in a fast-paced medical or justice field (I studied psychology and criminal justice for a reason, despite never really utilizing either). I was anxious and excited and then... CoVid-19 hit and on-boarding was put on a back-burner for a few weeks. By the time it was completed I was so concerned with my health and my older sister's that I had to ask them to postpone my start date. They never got back to me...
Because of all the excess time on my hands I have noticed my anxiety and depression returning full-force. I know I must allow myself to feel my emotions and thoughts, but I also know I can't let myself wallow. It's not good for me, my husband, my friendships, or either of our families if I start to fall apart.
To help keep distracted and to keep feeling like I'm making a difference (even if it's only in my life) I have picked up several hobbies again and started several classes; including but not limited to an Introductory Lesson to the Novel Coronavirus, Nuclear Power, and Mental Health First Aid. I even got a certificate for two of those classes and couldn't be more proud!
In the process of all this though, I have begun to rethink my personal goals and what I want to do with my life once the restrictions are lifted and I'm ineligible for unemployment.
For the longest time I wanted to be a counselor. I loved working with my clients at my last two jobs, but something always felt lacking. My heart wasn't in it the way I anticipated. I kept toying with going back to school for nursing and while it's still very much something I've been looking into since January, I've come to find I have a passion for a few other things...
Things I've learned I do have a passion for:
Cooking/Specialty Coffee drinks
Writing/Blogging
Theatrical/Special Effects Make-up
Learning (I'm definitely working on a budget to go back to school...)
Beauty Culture (cutting and coloring hair)
Teaching William German; even if I'm not quite proficient yet
Counseling/Coaching
Teaching in general!
In fact! I loved the teaching aspect of my last two jobs! I love teaching. Seeing the pride and joy on the faces of the individuals who just learned something new-- when they finally grasp a topic or an equation.The bond you build with your students is so unique and I loved that so much more than the bond I built as a counselor. I got to be me. They didn't have to limit their discussions or time.
I have been taking some basic education classes online and have been self-studying and taking various practice NCLEX exams online (and impressing myself). I think I know the direction I want to take in life, but narrowing it down has always been so hard...
Before the quarantine, I was always, "Go, go, go" and I lived off adrenaline and stress. It fed my desire to always feel like I was doing something, using my time, being useful. Since being home I have been able to connect with myself. While being home, I've noticed I'm less tired (despite still getting up with Will when the alarm goes off; it's on my side of the bed). I'm more invested in what makes me happy.
I'm getting to complete things I never imagined I'd get to do once I was stuck in a 9-5 with a husband and bills to pay. But I'm learning to love me and that standing still is sometimes as helpful as running. I'm dipping my toes into water all over the board. And when the travel restrictions are over, I'd like to start dipping them into the waters all over
the world. Starting with getting me back to England and William to Ireland. And then, we'll go some place more tropical so I can enjoy the sands beneath my feet. And hey! Maybe I'll finally go to Germany.
This may not be the year I was hoping for on December 31, 2019, but it was a year full of discovery-- my health, my career, my happiness, my marriage, my friendships... This was a year I definitely needed and never noticed. This is a year the entire world needed and didn't realize. Despite the atrocities we are protesting and the millions of lives lost to this pandemic, we have so much to be proud of-- so much positivity. We are a year of change. We are a year of hope. We are a year of voices.
I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, but when you squint your eyes real tight, it's there.
We have brought people closer than they ever were before. We have made medical advancements. We have sent man to space again. We have broken stigmas. We have spoken up and we have been heard. We have changed the entire globe. We have brought countries together to shout that black lives matter and they will not sit quietly anymore. We have reversed years of climate damage.
We are powerful in numbers. We are powerful when we stop and look around and this has been the year of stopping and looking. Stopping and taking it all in.
I admit it's not always easy to see this while there is still so much suffering in the world, but I promise you, there is still good out there. And if you can't see it now, just focus on you. That's okay. Make you better. Make you feel better,
Find your hobbies.
Reconnect with someone.
Build a closer relationship with those you have.
Stop picking fights.
Learn to love yourself.
Find your niche.
This is still (y)our year!
You can still make the progress you wanted.
The world is still, but it isn't ending. This is a new start. For all of us. And it is going to be scary at first, like most change is, but we all have to try to remember, we are all going through this together. No one is alone right now. In a time of Zoom and Facetime; a time when the internet can now connect us anywhere at anytime, we need to remember to reach out to each other.
Check in.
Really talk.
Discover.
There is progress to be made in this standstill. And I'm here to hear you.
Your fears.
Your discoveries.
The changes in your lives.
I'm still here. And so are you.
And when all else fails, just remember how miraculous that is in itself during this time...